When I had my twins, I hit the ground running at the start of parenthood. My son spent almost 2 weeks in the NICU with health issues, we lived almost an hour from the hospital, and with the rush of postpartum hormones, it just felt like the stress of life hit me full force.
But I still remember everything like it was yesterday. I remember the ones who made life so much easier for my husband and myself; the ones who were thoughtful, understanding, and knew this new mom was at her breaking point.
And I remember those that, unintentionally, made things a little more difficult for us. I know they had good intentions; I knew it at the time, that they were showing that they cared. Even if it wasn’t the way we would have hoped.
This experience taught me so much about how to help, not just new mothers of twins, but new mothers in general. I have become a more considerate friend and family member because of my experience, and I want to share what I learned.
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I have listed out very simple “do’s & don’ts” when a loved one has twins, or any number of babies really.
When you read this, please don’t think of me as hateful, inhospitable, or insensitive. After having twins, or even singletons, mothers should be allowed to set and have healthy boundaries without being judged for it.
Being a new mother can be overwhelming, especially if you are a mother to multiples. Over-stepping or pushing boundaries can be detrimental to the new mother’s mental health. Try to be sensitive to the fact that, along with having a newborn infant or two, she is dealing with a new body image, having a rush of unfamiliar hormones, and probably having to choose between sleeping and eating in her precious few moments of “free time.”
Even if you mean well, sometimes it’s just too much.
Okay….off my soapbox and moving on.
So, here are the do’s and don’ts when a loved one just had twins. If it makes the list, it happened to me and made an impression. So here we go:
Don’t take a picture of the new mom, right after birth, without permission.
Do not insist on taking photos if she isn’t comfortable in her own skin. I remember fighting off visitors who pushed for a photo of me following the birth of my twins.
I hadn’t slept, I hadn’t showered, I was swollen everywhere, and I was still in quite a bit of pain after pushing out two beautiful babies. For those that look great after having a baby, that’s awesome. Go for it and take those photos!
I just wasn’t one of those people and I didn’t want to see myself on social media looking as rough as I felt.
So, DO wait until the mother is ready and comfortable with photos of herself and her child.
Which leads me to…
Don’t post birth announcement or congratulations on social media before the parents.
DO: let the parents announce the birth of their children.
This is a pet peeve of mine and happened with my twins. It’s great you’re excited but let them tell the world when they are ready.
Please.
DO NOT call, ring the doorbell, or create any loud noise that could wake sleeping babies and/or parents or fur-siblings.
DO: Text. Drop food off at the door. Walk away quietly unless instructed otherwise.
Do not visit expecting food.
Do not drive past 100+ restaurants and ask “what’s for lunch” upon your arrival. Just. Don’t. I had this internal struggle of “are you kidding me” and my need to be a good hostess. Looking back, I should’ve never been put in that position.
DO: BRING bagels, casseroles, freezer meals, takeout, and maybe some paper plates for easy cleanup.
IF you bring gifts, make sure they are thoughtful and/or edible.
My FAVORITE gifts while in the hospital at home: any type of Panera food and lactation cookies (super thoughtful)!
Least favorite: live house plant. While still in the hospital room.
I now have TWO babies I have to keep alive; I’m at my max and that plant is not going to make it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT tell her she looks rough.
She knows.
DO: Tell her she looks great! Tell her what an amazing job she is doing. Tell her how lucky her babies are to have her.
I feel like I should end by saying that, prior to becoming a mother myself, I didn’t follow all these suggestions. I didn’t know. And I didn’t know what I didn’t know, if that makes any sense. But then I experienced first-hand what it is like to be a new mother and the struggles that come with that title.
Compassion and sensitivity go a long way.
Thank you for taking the time to learn how to help your loved one with this new stage of life and start of motherhood. I hope you know she is very blessed to have you.
If you are the mother to be and are preparing for twins, congratulations! My Preparing for Twins and Sleep Training Twins blog posts can help you get prepared for this new adventure.